A Torn Teddy Bear
Survivor: Miss R (alias)
Under the teddy bear’s cute appearance, the inner part was hollow and torn apart. A past that was not being trusted, full of anger and wounds, and a sense of emptiness.
Miss R’s perpetrator was her biological father.
“I was very worried that they won’t trust me. Such things didn’t happen to my older sister who lived together, so they won’t trust me. I would be kicked out of my home if I say it. My mum would scold me, accusing me of being a liar.”
Miss R worried that if the perpetrator was arrested, she would become the one who destroyed the family. The family would fall apart and everyone would hate her.
“The thing I worried most was that the perpetrator might even bring more harm to me.”
As the behaviour of the perpetrator intensified, Miss R took up the courage to tell a teaching assistant at school about it. She cried with Miss R after listening to her story. Miss R realised that someone would trust her. The teacher promised to keep it confidential and taught Miss R how to avoid the perpetrator. However, after a few months, Miss R realised that it was impossible to avoid him. The teacher then accompanied her to see the social worker at school.
“The social worker talked to my mother, but she was emotional. She questioned me and asked me to confront the perpetrator. I still remember that she used a lot of foul languages to scold me. I could not bear it and went to stay at the children’s home. Although the perpetrator moved out and I could go back home, I still cannot forget the pain brought by my mother.”
The blame and distrust she got from her family made Miss R feel that the secondary traumatization was causing her more harm than the sexual violence itself.
“I did think that my mother would scold me. Still, after the conversation between her and the social worker, I hoped that she would cry and apologise for not realizing it and not being able to protect me. But the reality was that I was scolded and her reaction was even bigger than what I imagined, which hurt me even more. She said that I ‘seduced people, even if they are my own relatives.’”
Going through the counselling process and knowing more from the gender perspective, this sense of shame had been reduced. The #Metoo movement had also made Miss R feel that she was not alone, and there were many others with similar experiences. The teddy bear used to mean being torn apart, that the cotton was scattered all over the place and no one cared about it. Miss R now sees it differently.
“Some cotton from inside the teddy might have fallen off, but it is still a complete teddy bear. The old cotton has also been replaced by the new ones, meaning that I have started to accept my past experience, as well as the care and love from the others.”
The indifference and criticism received from family members often bring irreparable harm to the survivors. When a family member seeks help from you, please listen to her. Never put the blame on her and don’t let more tragedies happen.
MISS R has something to say to those who share similar experiences
I want to tell those who have yet to seek help that doing so won’t kill you. The process of going through your memories might bring pain, but it will pay off.
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