A Birthday Cake
Survivor: Miss J (alias)
A birthday cake should be colourful. However to me, it is just black and white. It symbolises an insult.
Miss J works for a social welfare organization. Her perpetrator is a co-worker. She didn’t tell anyone right away as she was worried that she might be targeted or fired. Under the support of a friend, she told the organisation and her colleagues about the incident. However, they just grabbed popcorn and saw how things go.
“I don’t need any of you to tell me what to do and question why I didn’t resist – how would you understand if you were not involved? All I need is someone to accompany me. It’s hard for the victims to make the decisions so please don’t try to give suggestions, thinking that you could solve the problem. They know what they need.”
“Giving me lectures is like stabbing and destroying me with a knife. Those who hurt me the most are the ones I trusted, but they stabbed me with the knives in the name of caring for me.”
Miss J’s female senior, a social worker, asked her to please the perpetrator with a birthday cake. At the same time, the organisation Miss J worked for forced her to build a good working relationship with the perpetrator. She was scolded for three hours – just because she didn’t smile at the perpetrator during work time. She sought help from her other senior, who was a male social worker, but he responded, “What do you want me to do?”
This colourless birthday cake represents the darkness during the course of seeking justice. This blurry image of the cake also represents the ambiguity of justice during the incident.
“The perpetrator sexually violated different women at the workplace over the years. However, the organisation chose to just give him a reminder but not a warning. The one handling the incident was a senior social worker. But he chose to neglect the value of his profession and the moral sense as humans. This organisation provides services to the people in need but has failed to treat a sexual violence victim with love. Instead, they chose to disempower individuals like me. Social workers are meant to be those who fight for justice, but they instead take away justice with their own hands.”
RainLily helped Miss J to understand that she was hurt and that she needed someone’s help to heal. She learned about the pain brought by her experience and her true feelings. She listened to the voice deep inside her heart and transferred it into power.
“During my counselling sessions, I have also met people with similar experiences, in which our stories intertwined. These stories were unique, as they came from different real life stories of the victims. We know that there is a long way to go and it is not an easy journey, but I believe that RainLily will help me walk it through.”
Sexual violence in the workplace often brings tremendous pressure to the victims. Please encourage survivors to tell their experiences so that they can understand that they have done nothing wrong. Help them rebuild their lives by making them feel accepted.
Miss J has something to say to those who share similar experiences
Don’t not give up on your life. Live a happier life than your perpetrator doesn’t mean that you have given up on seeking justice. It’s just that you deserve to live happily. You shouldn’t be the one suffering. It’s the perpetrator who should be suffering. Getting justice served takes time but it will not be in vain. Letting yourself to be heard is the best move against your perpetrator and those who bring you secondary traumatization. Because they fear to be exposed. Hiding yourself cannot change the circumstances. Step out and have faith in yourself. Someday when you look back, you would be proud of your courage. Live a good life to witness how your perpetrators suffer. Don’t be afraid of seeking help. This is the courageous thing to do because it shows your will to survive. Do not feed the perpetrators’ audacity. Seeking help can prevent the seeds of sexual violence from growing.
Do not give up your life because it will cause no pain to those who hurt you. Live well so you can fight this battle – a battle you’ll win for sure. Fighting might make you feel exhausted. Don’t worry. Take a break and go out there again. How can you see your perpetrator losing the battle if you are not healthy enough? You will be upset and outraged. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. Embrace these feelings and embrace yourself. You deserve to be loved and embraced. You will discover your with someday, so don’t question your decisions. This is your story. Your life. You should not be held accountable by those gossipers. Just say “it’s none of your business” to them. They will never understand your feelings. Wish them good luck and that they will not have to experience something similar in the future. Say “I understand how you feel” to them and make them feel ashamed. Sometimes it’s hard to see the finishing line and the path might be rocky. Stay focused and run fearlessly. Justice will be waiting for you. Enjoy the victory in front of your perpetrator and those who bring pain to you. I wish to witness your moment of victory.
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