A Survival Kit
Survivor: The Little Match Girl (alias)
I named the bag "survival kit" after coming to RainLily. I find this name accurate, as my eagerness to survive was so strong and I really wanted to protect myself. Although it was named "survival kit", the stuff inside was actually useless. But to me in the past, they were all very precious.
Little Girl told her mum the first time it happened.
And this was how her mother responded.
“Your uncle was doing so because of love.”
“Don’t exaggerate these small things.”
“The less trouble, the better.”
“It was before the opening of Primary one school term when I was sexually harassed for the first time. I did tell my mother immediately. My description was detailed and complete. I am pretty sure that my mother could hear what I said clearly. But she had been avoiding the incident and told me that the perpetrator did so because of love. I don’t understand why she responded this way, maybe because he was her brother, or because he was a man. But her reaction had indulged some other sexual violence incidents to happen later on. I felt rejected and was pushed away. In the past, my mother would beat me when she was in a bad temper. She would throw the stuff like cups on the table. She once threw a remote control which hit me at my temple. It was a mass of bruises. So I later learned to take away the sharp utensils to reduce the harm I would have suffered.”
Little Girl started preparing her “survival kit” since Primary 2. She would put in her favourite accessories, the presents she got from teachers and friends, the prizes from competitions and the souvenirs she got from voluntary services. She would place it right next to her bed and would check on it before sunrise sometimes, worried that her mother would break it. On school days, she would keep hiding the kit in different locations to protect it.
“One of my mother’s boyfriends said that I was like the giveaway scallion when someone buys vegetables from the market. When they broke up, my mother put the blame on me. She didn’t treat me as a human being. When it was new year time in 2020, I recognised that my mother had remembered in all these years that I was sexually harassed. Those images suddenly reappeared and I could not sleep for more than 10 nights. One day, I could not tolerate it anymore. I went to the rooftop, wanting to jump off the building and kill myself. I cried and called my mother, telling her everything I have experienced, “Can I not be your daughter?” “You have loved to control me. How about if I give you back this body – I don’t want it anymore.”
Little Girl said that the counselling she received from RainLily helped her to recollect the fragments of her past.
“I started to recognise the hidden abilities I have. The sexual violence incident seems to get further away from me now. There are some more better things in life that await me.”
“At least I do not want to commit suicide now. I was living in a city that was hit hard by earthquakes. I finally recognised how tough I was to have walked through these incidents. My goal now is to finish my study programme in law. The truth is very important and I don’t want to see others going the long way.”
“Mother, I just wanted you to stay by my side and protect me.”
The indifference and criticism received from family members often bring irreparable harm to the survivors. When a family member seeks help from you, please listen to her. Never put the blame on her and don’t let more tragedies happen.
Little Match Girl has something to say to those who share similar experiences
It’s not your fault and you don’t have to force yourself to forgive the offender or sympathise with him. Ignore any comment you see online regarding sexual violence survivors. Don’t expect all women can understand the struggles of a woman as well. Women will also stigmatise victims. "Don't expect people to be kind to others, without suffering the same pain. Even if you have experienced my suffering, you may not have my kindness." I often tell myself, "you know if you know, you don't know if you don't." Learn to take care of ourselves first.
Make a Donation
Your donation will enable us to provide on-going caring support for victim-survivors of sexual violence