A Picture I Drew During an Emotional Breakdown in Class
Survivor: Elina (alias)
I chose this picture because the image I remembered was unforgettable. This was also the first time I recorded the incident and my feelings with a picture. As I drew the picture, I realised that I could no longer deceive myself and said that I had recovered. I had to face the pain that I was experiencing. I decided to share this picture with you, hoping that this could give you the courage to face the wound and pain you have had.
Elina’s perpetrator was her mother’s husband.
“I didn’t understand what those behaviours meant when I was small. When I grew bigger, I just wanted to escape. Because of all these circumstances, there was no one who could help me. I was afraid that the others would be so triggered that I needed to comfort them back. That’s why I preferred finding someone to talk to until I felt better.”
Elina first told someone about it when she was 14. She expected and wanted her to say, “you don’t have to be afraid. I’m here and I trust you. I will protect you.”
But instead, these are what her mother told her.
“You are over-thinking. Who told you that this is a problem?”
“Are you sick? I can bring you to the doctor.”
“You were the one who wanted to stay close with him. The accusation you have made will scare away all males and they will not be willing to stay in the same room with you.”
Elina could live in the school residential hall when she became a university student, which allowed her to stay away from her perpetrator. However, she had to face the fear of going home again due to the pandemic. During lockdown, she could hardly maintain our normal social life. She felt like she had lost the support around her.
“In class, I got to know some cases that had similar experiences as I did. When I was asked to dig into this topic, I had flashbacks – some of them related to the incident itself, while some were about the times when I went off the deep end. I remembered my conditions and feelings at that time, which made me felt extremely overwhelmed, so I decided to draw a picture.”
The picture was a reflection of Elina’s feelings at that time. It forced Elina to admit that her wound was not yet cured. Those incidents would still affect her daily life, but the process also motivated her to go seek help.
“My feelings have changed now. I am no longer bound by the past. To the present me, this drawing is a record, which allows me to look back and embrace the me in the past.”
“I just need someone to be by my side. I just need the support from the others. I think it is enough to just have someone who trusts me.”
The indifference and criticism received from family members often bring irreparable harm to the survivors. Sometimes, a survivor knows how to handle the situation. All they need is trust and support.
Elina has something to say to those who share similar experiences
I would like you to know that you haven’t done anything wrong and please don’t blame yourself. Some wounds will always be there if you don’t handle them. Facing them might take a lot of courage – I used to tell myself to turn my head away from my past as well. But we all know that these wounds will continue to grow, and we will always feel the pain from within. It takes time to heal, and we don’t have to force ourselves to deal with those wounds now. Follow your pace and someday we can all look straight at our scars. I wish that seeing someone with similar experiences will bring you courage.
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